The last few months have been a bit of a trial for me...an interesting time, a challenging time with many dark hours and many bright moments of insight...
At my age, it might be called a mid-life crisis but that is too much hyperbole and sounds more dramatic than it really has been, although it does feel momentous for me.
I've always had a problem with naming myself... I sang in a band for 10 years but I've never considered myself a 'singer'. I've been making art in one way or another all my life but I never called myself an 'Artist'. I think it is some kind of lack of self belief or doubt in my abilities or something like that, but that has undergone a radical shakeup in the last few months and I'm finally ready to step up and own it. Now I call myself an Artist. It might not seem like a big deal, I mean what's in a name right? But it feels like a big deal to me and that is because I've finally found my voice.
Part of the issue is definitely to do with ego and that is what I've been contemplating recently.
There were too many things in the way before..fear of not being good enough, fear of being judged and the ego getting a right kicking and also not having a direct line of communication to my creative centre...
I've been slowly but surely letting go of the ego and then the fear of being judged abates and the fear of not being good enough doesn't exist anymore... no status, no arrogance, no bullshit, no walls, no defences, no ego.... well it's a journey and I'm not there yet but I'm on my way baby!
But I don't want to drag you into the multi faceted epiphanies I've undergone in the last few months because I don't want to be a gigantic bore.
Everyones journey of discovery is a personal thing with twists and turns in the road but I realise now, everything can be worked through once you have the courage to turn the gaze within and really ask yourself who you are now, what makes you happy and what is holding you back, what are the fears that stop you moving forward and what do you keep doing in your life that doesn't serve you.
Whilst all that sounds very self involved and selfish even, it's marvellous to understand yourself and be at ease with who you are because then you are much nicer company... I like the sound of that.
So that is it for me today...have a lovely weekend